I‘m not trying pt. 1

It’s 2 am again,

And here you go forcing it

Telling me dreams that you wanna pursue

But I know that career isn’t right for you.

Ignoring me, ‘cus all you wanna hear is you.

You love to hear yourself talk

Trying to score in all your luck,

Put it in your mouth and bury it

Or see if you can find a way to carry it

Can’t you see?

You have to make peace

This died a long time ago.

You talk about the world being so blind

But you can’t see,

You can’t see the lies behind your own eyes,

the lies that are fighting in your mind.

Hoping you’d be right, this whole time.

One day, I’ll regret this

I hope you find comfort when your head is in between her thighs.

I hope she doesn’t get angry because you forgot to send her a fucking text.

I hope you find comfort in her when she deals with your distinctive bad habits, better than I could.

I hope when she invites you over, it’s because she misses you and not because she’s lonely.

I hope when she says the words, “I love you” you can feel it undoubtedly and it brings music to your ears.

I hope you find peace with her perfect smile.

I hope she doesn’t suck her teeth, or roll her eyes whenever you’ve had a rough day like I used to.

I hope when she touches you, it’s a gentle rub so you can feel her warmth whenever you are shivering with your bottom-of-the-barrel freezing thoughts.

I hope she isn’t as jealous or possessive as me.

I hope her words don’t slice you open in half when she’s mad, the way I used to without thinking.

I hope she finds your jokes funny, because I couldn’t.

I hope she can calm you down during your break downs, because I never could.

I just hope…

End game

I’m thinking,

Ruminating about someone,

Someone who makes me fumble…

Stumble over my words.

Someone who makes me rationalize,

Rationalize eight times and once more about the choices I make.

He gets infuriated,

Enraged with every poor,

unfortunate,

negligent decision I make.

With a voice that can sting your eyes,

he says, “I want more for you, more than what I want for myself”

He knows I’ll destroy him, like I do with myself constantly, willingly.

He’s tried everything, to keep me sane.

But he has no more moves left,

he doesn’t want this game of misery to end.

His mother didn’t teach him well, I suppose.

To teach him,

When he’s all alone at night,

Stressing over whether to take the flight or stand there and take the fight,

When his hands are cold, trembling

When he is over analyzing the words to send to my screen,

When his insides are screaming with anger to get out,

When he dives in a deep sea of hopelessness

To walk away, to leave, because the game is over.

She should’ve taught him better.

Stand by

If I can tell you,

I can wait.

My neighbor, Patience keeps me warm.

Throughout the nights of soundless sleeps,

I dream of you

Throughout the nights of where sleep is no where to be found, seeming to be at a far distance,

I think of you.

Patience, my friend.

Patience, my sibling.

And patience, my sweet lover.

You’d soon be adored for things you feel aren’t too bright of you, the devil of you, and the flaws you have believed you acquired.

Patience, will soon be your nature, your neighbor.

Accelerated thoughts

Shoulders bent,

Looking up at the moon,

I’m hoping that we’ll meet soon.

I wonder what you’re like,

To experience life in your eyes.

Will we fly high like kites?

Or will we fight each other like knights?

Single combat, making contact.

It’s too early to tell.

I can’t walk away.

….

As I wake up the next day,

I find myself running away.

because the world is not what it seems.

Just look out, take a leap.

Will I ever find my way?

I just wanted to hear you say, “You’re mine to take.”

….

Life is somewhere else,

It’s not here.

Too many disappointments, I’m not satisfied.

Will I ever be?

The Sun of God, yelled at me,

Shining so bright, within its light.

Asking me, “why am I thinking like this?!”

It goes away,

These rotten thoughts come back again,

Trying to dodge each and every one of them.

And I don’t want the world to cry, but they see the truth behind the lies.

Alice

How do I describe,

I’ve seen a vibrant red rose bloom before my eyes?

Without you thinking, “Is she mad?!”

Where laughs felt like echoes, never ending.

I’ve tasted colors, I’ve seen sounds.

The clouds were moving at my own pace,

At my mind’s eye.

My interior became my exterior.

Anything I wanted to project out, became “real” in my own reality,

in its own presence.

My world was swirling,

Swirling with its existence.

Mouths weren’t moving,

but I heard every thought.

Sitting on the ground,

looking down at my hands, distorted.

I reach towards the sand mother nature has placed on the ground,

Feeling my hands sinking within it.

This memory can’t ever fade.

How do I explain,

the universe only belongs to me,

And it only belongs to you too?

There’s only one way,

Can you take this trip with me instead?

The Motive

The power that resides in you is infinite,

It will always be enough.

When you’re surrounded by life’s horror,

Your energy will save you,

And lock you up in it’s vortex.

It’ll endow you with a pure sense of the present moment,

Until it’s safe again.

It’ll leave, 

And you will discover,

Your energy is infinite. 

Life is going mad again,

But this time, 

You will undoubtedly know that you’re enough,

Your battles won’t defeat you,

You have conquered today.

I’ve been thinking about her lately…

I’ve been reminiscing on a day where it felt like paradise.

The sun was beaming it’s warm light at my love, as her lids protected her eyes from it. The way she glows, tonic water under a UV light couldn’t beat her.

Birds praising, grateful for their home. I knew, because I felt grateful too.

She was sleeping so innocently, as if she didn’t wake me up three times the other night to fornicate. I’ve never been so comforted with the idea that she’s just mine, and I wouldn’t let her forget it.

I took control of my eyesight and scanned the lining of her figure. It was an alluring sight.

I was on the other side, sitting on the edge of our bed with the purple satin sheets that she picked out. God, it felt so silky. My hands sunk through those sheets.

I started to stare at her again, and moved closer to her.

I gently ran my fingers through her blonde hair. I wanted my touch all over her, so even you would know, that she’s mine.

She’s far from home now, but I will always feel delighted given that she has been tainted by me.

Untitled

There’s many things I regret,

But who would I be if these disturbances didn’t occur as planned?

As I planned.

The thought has been weighing on me,

I have a boulder on both shoulders.

I’ve made peace that you will always be with me,

To guide me, look out for me.

I’m waiting,

I’m waiting patiently for the day I can show you the heavens of this earth.

The world is dreadful,

You deserve more than the finest stars in the night skies, love.

You deserve more, more than me.

People will provoke me,

People will say that the actions I’ve took shows no love,

no remorse.

I will stand by them, because I wasn’t forced.

Your soul will always be protected by me.

Praying every night to God,

Because I needed the reassurance,

the “OK”,

the sign.

The word love doesn’t do it justice.

Because you’re all and you’re everywhere.

We will reunite soon,

When it’s less alarming,

and less frightening.